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November 8, 2012
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#TheWorldHeroRace series, characters and concept, Copyright © 2004 by A. M. Johnson (me). All rights reserved.
:iconthewriteroffantasy:
Forgot to mention in the last chapter (sometimes I find so much to point out (SORRY) that I forget some of it ^^;) that I thought Brea should have rather said it wasn't urgent rather than suddenly say she's fixed it and all. It's so obvious you've put that part there just in order to let Am and Kelly get a chance to get suspicious before the earthquake.
Now, onto this chapter.
"They shook her head." I'm starting to notice a lot of grammar errors... don't be in such a hurry to write that you forget to spell correctly.
I have a hard time imagining a robot appearing and dissapearing in a crowd without anyone noticing. I imagine some people would notice Minibot, but think it was a toy and move on. Those seeing it appear will probably think they just didn't notice before, and those seeing it dissapear will likely think they were just seeing things. Such details may seem unnecessary, but they can be quite amuzing.
And now, MORE GRAMMAR! "I can't wait for that one fantasy move to come out." Ahem, MovIe. The "I" is important there, lol.
You seem to like the word "coolly." Rather than use it, try emphasising more on how the voice itself sounds.
That should be it for this chapter. Overall it's good, but you gotta pay more attention to the spelling and grammar. Believe me, I don't like finding those mistakes one bit.
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